It just hurts.
Give the heart raw, having it thrown back careless.
It just hurts.
And that is where I am.
God is still good, and I am always loved. My circumstances do not reflect the measure of Gods love for me. Nor my value in His eyes.
Life just hurts right now.
But with a heart weary and wounded, I’m surrounded by beauty. Beauty I refuse to miss!
Beauty He knew would be balm to for this Spirit.
Here and now.
And He reminds me, through kindness from friends, this extension of His love for me through tenderness of tangible human hands, that I am free to grieve.
It is safe to express the grief of a forever goodbye.
It is good too weep for the loss of someone you cherish.
What kind of heartlessness if I didn’t?
God knows me.
He knows this heart. He gave it to me! He knows the wound and its depth. And He is near. To help me walk through this pain.
“The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart,
And saves such as have a contrite spirit.” Psalm 34:18
And how I need His Truth. And how I need His love to comfort me.
To carry me.
I relfect back on the last two years and start to remember what I’ve cherished.
All the little memories I’ve tucked away safe in cracks and crevices of my heart for forever.
A scrapbook in the flesh.
It hasn’t been easy. Letting it all go. The hopes, the memories, the jokes, the shared exsperience, the favorites that were “ours”. It hasn’t been a passive tornado of a memory purge. Or an instant fire and past evaporated smoke.
But a very purposeful slow process of letting each treasure go one at a time as it should surface. And into the wind of yesterday I must set it free.
I agreed in my heart to a forever love, and I wrestle with my heart because forever isnt an option anymore, and I didnt know not to make such a big commitment.
And the sense of disloyalty echoes. And I see a face with streaming tears in the mirror not because I feel self pity but because this heart will not give up. And I desire earnestly to do what is right.
I deeply desire to do what is right. Is that let go of the past and the person? It is obvious to EVERYONE else that that is the “right thing” to do. I find that I’m still, still just not ok with that.
I do not wish to live in denial or continue in company of people who hurt me.
for the first time, I’m actually willing to let go.
Am I being stubborn?
Am I too determined?
Im angry, confused, and ready to be done.
So I forget it all.
I forget myself and look into the eyes of Christ.
Im precious, cherished,loved, deeply and forever.
He can take care of my heart. He wants to take care of it! He wants my trust, so I give it to Him. Moment by moment.
The less I try to be ok, the more naturally peace will come.
The more I try to hurry the process of this gnawing forever goodbye the more I hurt myself and prolong the process.
I don’t see today, but I know I’m not the only person who has every had the dreams slashed and heart dashed relentless.
I know the strength in these bones and the freedom in my spirit, the laughter I crave will come in buckets.
When Im ready to laugh again.
which is soon.
Worship, focus on God and His majesty, love, authority, secures the heart steady for anything.
It’s in the forgetting of self that I begin to really live, and live with a certain joy.
Even though my eyes are dry, I know it, but tears keep coming. Even though the heart feels hallow and torn and trashed, I sense the beams of hope creeping over this shadowy place and the valley is almost fully traveled.
Just a little farther to go!
“Out of the depths I have cried to You, O Lord;
Lord, hear my voice!
Let Your ears be attentive
To the voice of my supplications.
If You, Lord, should mark iniquities,
O Lord, who could stand?
But there is forgiveness with You,
That You may be feared.
I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
And in His word I do hope.
My soul waits for the Lord
More than those who watch for the morning—
Yes, more than those who watch for the morning.
O Israel, hope in the Lord;
For with the Lord there is mercy,
And with Him is abundant redemption.
And He shall redeem Israel
From all his iniquities.”
So I sing, and the medicine of music soothes the sting.
I remember to be honest with myself and where I am in my heart. And have grace with the pace at which I’m processing this grief.
Grace grace grace.
Your only human, fragile and dear.
It takes time to heal.
“There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.” -C.S. Lewis
In time, I’ll be done with trying to understand what happened and why and who he really is vs. who I thought he was, and I’ll embrace this hope that tomorrow is brighter and better and He wants to do good things for me.
And my prayer for myself is that I will see and hear truth And grow from said truth and not hold onto false perceptions of who he was to me or who he really is.
Just takes time to sort it all out.
But in the mean time, I choose joy And songs and life abundant.
Hurt will soon be a shadow of my past.