Truly Broken

Truly Broken- Recognizing Bondage of Sexual Sin

“Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flow the springs of life.” Proverbs 4:23

I don’t believe you have to have had actual premarital sex in order to experience the bondage of sexual sin.

Maybe having committed the actual act would weigh more heavily on a spirit. Maybe that bondage would be heavier.

Maybe.

I don’t know.

But all that I am about to share with you is very real and personal to me and I have never had actual sex before.

And I’ve found my soul to be broken nonetheless.

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I was ignorant.

I was defiant.

I was hormonal.

I was self seeking.

I was “loving”.

I was strong.

I was weak.

I was curious.

I was lonely.

I was passionate.

I was bored.

I was flirtatious.

I was wounded.

I was hurting.

I was running.

I was hiding.

I was new.

I was young.

(I am young).

I was sinful.

Wait:

I am sinful.

I have been all of thee above at one time or another.

Changing. Growing. Failing. Changing. Growing. Failing.

Its called ‘being human’.

But God doesn’t change.

“For I the Lord do not change…” (Malachi 3:6)

“Jesus is the same yesterday, today and the same forever.” (Hebrews 13:8)

Neither do His statues or laws.

“…But the Word of our God stands forever.” (Isaiah 40:8)

“But the Word of the Lord endures forever.” (1 Peter 1:25)

His Word says that sin affects us. Kills us.

“…You will surely die…” (genesis)

Sin always hurts our relationship with God.

And others.

And Ourselves.

Its law.

“Then when lust has conceived it gives birth to sin. And sin, when it is fully grown, brings forth death.” (James 1:15)

“Do not be deceived, God is not mocked. For whatever a man sows, this he will also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life.” (Galatians 6:7-8)

Just exactly like gravity. You can’t fool gravity. You can’t deny it.

Sin damages.

“ ‘Although you wash yourself with lye and use much soap, the stain of your iniquity is before me’ declares the Lord God.” (Jeremiah 2:22)

“So when you spread out your hands in prayer, I will hide My eyes from you; Yes, even though you multiply prayers, I will not listen Your hands are covered with blood.” (Isaiah 1:15)

But sexual sin always does the most damage.

“But a man who commits adultery lacks judgment. Whoever does so destroys himself.” (Proverbs 6:32)

“Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are on the outside of the body, but whoever sins sexually sins against his own body.” (1 Corinthians 6:18)

It doesn’t matter if I knew better or not. It doesn’t matter if I committed the “worst” sexual sin or if I just entertained a fantasy here and there.

Whether I am a prostitute or a day dreamer, every form of sexual sin damages deeply.

Actions, thoughts, desires.

Every manifestation of lust wounds the soul.

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Sexual sin needs to be redefined.

For years and years I’ve been wafting through my life, unaware yet totally running from the feelings of a bloody and bruised spirit weighing me down inside. And now I know why:

My spirit was/ is absolutely bloody, red and black and blue all over.

Because of sexual sin harbored in my heart.

Carrying the weight of shame and guilt–the repercautions of my acts and thoughts—had beaten me to the pulp.

Festering disease of lustfulness in the heart weakened my spirit.

No matter how I grow or what I learn, there was always hindrance from full bloom.

“Dearly Beloved, I beseech you as strangers and pilgrims, abstain from fleshly lusts, which war against the soul…” 1 Peter 2:11

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All of the freedom I’ve learned. I wrote about it here. That was a real transformation.

But the problem with getting real and healing is that as the superficial layers (lies from Satan) are revealed by the Light and then burned forever (100 times AMEN!!!!), the ugly hideous truth of where I really am is revealed.

I don’t need food or body image to distract me anymore.

Popularity, fame, vanity, I really could care less about.

Honestly.

The old things of this world which I used to crave, I really don’t find attractive anymore. I even try to entertain myself with old musings and they don’t appeal to me.

It is all fake.

Music.

Movies.

FaceBook.

Cheap substitutes. And I’ve learned that they don’t satisfy.

So then, without any place to run, I am left with is this girl, completely the girl I didn’t want to see and tried to hide from myself and others, and God.

But God knew. He wasn’t surprised as I was.

I didn’t know I was an adulterer.

And my sin: I’ve hurt myself, my relationship with someone I loved dearly and with God.

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It was Easter eve at Duane’s house and my breath was taken away.

“Then the Lord God called to Adam and said to him ‘Where are you?’ “(Genesis 3:9).

God didn’t ask Adam where he was in the garden because God Himself didn’t know. He called to him because He knew Adam didn’t know where he was.

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“Lord, where am I? Why does it still hurt to breathe?”

In a whisper:

“All sexual sin is the same.”

Like a photo flip book I replay all the times in my life I’ve fallen to lust. From very young to very recent.

Oh.

And my soul is broken.

That’s all.

Oh boy.

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When I was younger, very little in fact, looking back I see how the enemy attacked my mind with graphic thoughts and images. I became very afraid of bodies and anything that had to do with both female and male anatomy.

But wildly curious.

Like any child I suppose.

But I listened to the hiss, again and again

“You are so bad. Shame on you for being so gross. You are worthless and just plain awful. You know better than to be so enticed. Shame on you!”

The enemy’s favorite tactics: shame and fear.

Fearful but curious. Ashamed but fascinated. And He bullied my mind. Being young I was passive about these thoughts and really didn’t know what to do or how to identify them as demonic.

It wasn’t too constant at first but the effects of the imagery and bad dreams obviously were, well, effective.

Shame on you! Shame on you! Shame on you!”was a lullaby I became very familiar with. Night after night.

But of course, the same voice which shoveled the shame was also tempting me and enticing me.

Same voice.

Different words.

Same cause: destroy this girl’s soul.

Twist the truth and cause her to hide from God.

(To run form the God who is everywhere and everything.

Haha. )

And the shame echoed within the hollow of my soul and I believed its resounding anthems for years.

I kept climbing trees and playing dollhouse and drawing and violin and piano and all the things little Sky used to fill her days with. Always falling down—random fact—biking, roller blading, just living life full and happy.

I just had an ever darkening cloud over my spirit.

Shame and fear.

I didn’t see it then, but I see it now.

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Early teen years: Poisonous thought habits became more regular and normal and my heart was so desperate to be wanted and to be loved and cherished and the only “reality” of romance ever occurring in my life was found in my mind.

(NOTE: Every teenager, male or female, dreams and wants to be wanted. I know this isn’t unique. I’m just identifying the truth, and revealing that what is seemingly “normal” by the world’s standards is usually always absolutely contradictory to God’s standards and therefore very harmful to the human spirit).

Desperation in a teenage girl’s heart is fertile ground for all sorts of fantasy and deception to take root.

My unrealistic expectations lead to many many many a heart breaks. Nothing serious really, but in the moment, in that frame of time, I saw these disappointments as devastations.

Crushes are devastating by nature. NO one EVER liked me back (looking back of course, I say “Thanks you Jesus!!”). But at 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20!! All those years of “rejection” just solidified my beliefs of worthlessness, which fed my ‘shame’ complex, which made the feeling of fear that no one would ever love me feel so true.  This wheel of unrequited, unreciprocated “love” was so discouraging.

I felt hopeless, ugly and “No one likes me now, so I guess no one ever will!”

This attitude of hopelessness fed my disease of lust.

Parasite to the soul.

I didn’t call it lust, I didn’t know it had a name. and I didn’t know it was hurting me.

(I guess that’s the nature of deception right?)

This disease of lust manifested itself in actions around 15.

From then on, I continued sinning.

Ignorantly.

I didn’t know I was hurting myself as deeply as I was.

Totally clueless.

Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body.”

(1 Corinthians 6:19-20)

No, I didn’t know.

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A relationship bloomed between me and a man.

I was healed from a lot of stuff at that point.

I really was.

Here is a quick laundry list of the heart transformations the Lord had begun to change and would continue to change from within me (from the most surfacey to the most core):

  • Quick Temperedness
  • Impatience
  • Love of Money
  • Love of Fame
  • Defensive/reactive/taking everything too personally
  • Habitual Worry
  • Habitual Fear
  • Gratitude for everything vs. entitlement complex
  • Real tangible trust in His sovereignty and Wisdom in my life and all of creation.

Kind of a lot.

These changes in my heart were so liberating. I felt soooooo free being untangled from the cares of this world which I used to hold so dearly.

I used to grip these things so tightly. These old behaviors and habits and desires were so natural to me that once I started learning about His heart and His ways and what really mattered, and once I started living more in line with what I was learning from His Word, the freedom I experienced was so reviving.

“The law of the Lord is perfect, restoring the soul;
The testimony of the Lord is sure, making wise the simple.
The precepts of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart;
The commandment of the Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes.
 The fear of the Lord is clean, enduring forever;
The judgments of the Lord are true; they are righteous altogether.
 They are more desirable than gold, yes, than much fine gold;
Sweeter also than honey and the drippings of the honeycomb.
 Moreover, by them Your servant is warned;
In keeping them there is great reward.” Psalm 19:7-11

This Psalm nailed exactly how I was feeling.

I felt so free I didn’t see how I could still be in bondage to anything else.

As far as I was concerned I was happy, healed, forgiven and on my way to happily ever after with “the one and only” happily by my side.

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We dated for 11 months.

Romance ended.

Continued talking for 3 months.

Then everything ended.

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Loving one man for one lifetime was (and still remains) a very important core value to me. I am very much an all-or-nothing kind of girl. Loyal and determined and dedicated to what I believe is true.

I believed the truth was this: This man loves me.

CUE: Heart all in.

Maybe that’s juvenile.

Unrealistic?

I don’t know, but that’s where I was.

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I take full responsibility for my actions, my beliefs and my behaviors. From the very beginning of this relationship I was super intentional about letting him pursue and lead. I believed that was/is the Biblical model for a healthy relationship, and during our career as a couple I did my best (with what understanding I had at the time…) to do my part of executing my “role” as a “Godly girlfriend” by waiting to following. . .

. . . and I also was so afraid of getting hurt again that I thought that the best way to protect my heart was to never assume he did or didn’t love me (having unrealistic expectations from past crushes taught me that one), and instead watch and respond to his actions words and treatment before I let the heart out.

That would secure a solid foundation for me to believe and embrace and go through this relationship wound free. Right?

Little known fact: relationships involves two people, one of which is you and the other is someone have whom you have no control over. I can “protect” my heart and “do everything right” until the cows come home, but that doesn’t mean I can control how the relationship turns out because there is no way I can control what the other person does or thinks about me.

I watched and everything seemed “safe”.

“All clear! Time to fly!”

He “loves” me!!

I responded with ENOURMOUS affection and gratitude and trust and “mutual love”.

My mistake: I took his actions and words to be a reflection of his heart for me.

Because, after all, everything I did for him and said to him was a tiny reflection of the monstrous amount of love I had for him.

So surely he operates the same way.

Bad logic I suppose.

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(Thought you might enjoy a little fun in the middle of all of the “woefulness” from this pondering heart)

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The point is this: I thought one thing for a year and built a lot of security on that one thing, and that one thing turned out to be not true which is, of course disappointing, and very heart breaking and come to find out (sorta what launched this post in the first place), damaging to my spirit.

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With each kiss and kind gesture and sweet note and caring word, dates and special anniversaries, stupid stupid roses (which I am was a total sucker for…) I was replaying these words in my heart and solidifying in my heart:

“He loves me? Wow! This man loves ME! ME!?! We belong together and he wants ME!! YAY!!!”

Anything can become concrete if you replay it in your head for long enough.

But that’s why I hurt so much: I solidly believed, by my choice (taking FULL responsibility here) that he loved me, and therefore, I returned his love with ample affection, devotion and care.

Wasn’t I “Supposed to”?

I was “finally loved”! It was time to embrace and love him back!

Grrrrrr……

Silly girl.

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So the questions spiral. And for weeks, months, I go round and round wrestling with heart ache deeper than simple disappointment:

Why was my heart so connected?

How was I so dedicated to him?

What reason did I have to be so committed?

Why didn’t he have the same convictions and feelings?

How could he not share my wild dedication and passion?

More importantly, why does it still hurt to breathe?

Answer: All sexual sin is the same.

And it originates in the heart first.

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“Marriage should be honored by all and the marriage kept pure, for God will judge adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” Hebrews 13:4

It was in my heart. By the world’s standards, I did, or we did, an OUTSTANDING job of maintaining purity. By God’s standards, I’ll be the first to admit that I did a lousy job and hardly pass the purity test.

Why was my heart tangled?

I committed to him in my heart the “appropriate” devotion because we shared too much too intimately.

Affection (we will call it), every act, kisses, holding hands, all of the shared intimacy was fortifying a strong and stronger relationship between us.

Or at least from my heart.

The anthem in my heart truly was

“I promise to love you and only you forever! You have my word, you have my heart.”

I know—PREMATURE TO MAKE THOSE STATEMENTS—I’m just being honest.

I made strong inner vows.

I was wrong to share what I shared.

To give what I gave.

Regardless of the reasons.

Regardless of if I was lead on or not.

I gave the most of myself that I’ve given to anyone before and it wasn’t the right time or person and I didn’t know that until after I was dumped.

…Again, heart all in.

Silly silly girl.

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I’ve never had sex before.

Doesn’t matter.

It is about the heart, and my heart was damaged by past sin and the past habits of lust festering infected my relationship.

I won’t say it caused the demise of the relationship. But I do blame my sin and my inner vows for why I hurt so badly today.

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There aren’t degrees of purity.

Pure means pure.

Pure thoughts, actions and desires.

I didn’t see it. The state of damage my spirit was in.

I didn’t know.

I didn’t know I was hurting anybody. Hurting him.

But then I learned, and then I saw and then I knew, and I didn’t stop.

Not in my heart.

Barely in my actions.

I was hurting him. I hurt someone I loved. I didn’t see it. He sorta said it.  Then I saw it and turned my head.

So prideful.

I didn’t mean to hurt him or myself.

I meant to do the OPPOSITE.

But instead of seeking the best way to avoid the fire, I danced precariously around the wobbly rim of the pit, at times hoping to fall in.

And it really doesn’t matter where I was then. It doesn’t matter whether it was ignorant or defiant.

Because it was absolutely both at different times.

I’m so deeply hurt now because I tied my heart to someone else’s heart in my thoughts, in my actions and in my mind.

Outside of the protected hedge of marriage.

I gave my sweetest and best to someone who ended up not wanting me after all.

And that is my fault.

Not his.

Mine.

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I cemented in my mind:

“This is the man who will love me forever!”

It was an honest statement.

Huge mistake: That is God’s place in my heart. And I gave it away.

Not carelessly, just unknowingly.

Not carelessly. Just Unknowingly.

 

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Sexual tension between men and women is supposed to be strong. God designed sex and “sex acts” to build and fortify relationships.

Within marriage.

This is all elementary Sunday school information I’d learned and memorized before.

I read the Joshua Harris Books.

I lead a book study on the topic when I was 17 (18?)!

Sexual immorality was only “sex outside of marriage”.

Point blank.

Right?

Nope!

Wrong.

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Adultery starts in the heart, and Jesus said it plain in Matthew:

“But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her I his heart.” (5:28)

And the truth is just as easily applied  in reverse:

“But I say to you that whoever looks at a man to lust for him has already committed adultery with him in her heart.”

The consequences remains regardless if I act on the lust or let it fester in the heart. It hurt me. It hurt him (potentially) and it hurt my relationship with God. The sin. All sin, but this sin.

Cue Shame and fear:

“Oh you shameful awful Christian!”

“Shame on you! You obviously don’t love God because you screwed up big time and you were so selfish and you hurt someone you loved. Over and over! He even told you he was hurting and you ignored him. Do you even care about him really? Wow, you are gross and awful and you really need to just stop pretending to love God and admit that you don’t. Because you obviously don’t. Shame shame shame!”

“You are such a horrible example of a Christian. You know the verse, too! Wow…some “believer” you are!”

“Oh, denim skirts and turtlenecks for you for the rest of your life! Start growing your hair long and stringy because you don’t deserve to be beautiful because you’re absolutely not and you are just wretched.”

“You’re dirty now, so no one can love you. You don’t deserve it.”

Over and over and over and over in my mind.

Shame and fear. The destructive duo.

Absolutely no grace.

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He is always targeting the heart, isn’t He?

“But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at the height of his stature, because I have rejected him; for God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7)

The heart.

And that is why I hurt.

The mystery of sex and intimacy. The purpose, the design of it.

Oneness.

Heart, body, soul.

I was one in my heart, and it was strong and I was honest with that commitment and I didn’t know not to be. I thought it was safe and reciprocated, the right thing to believe and do,  but that’s my fault that I thought that.

I’ve skewed it. For years, in my thoughts, in my heart, and then in a relationship that didn’t last.

And I am emptied at the sheer simplicity of my sinfulness. And breathless at the mountain of recovery ahead of me. The weight of knowing someone else’s heart may have been equally or partially damaged by my actions, too.

Daunting hike beyond me: redemption from a lifelong habit of sexual immorality (as defined by God’s word).

I can hardy lift my head.

But I do see the rays, peeking out from behind the peaks.

There is hope.

But for now, I rest here and let the Life Supporter Revive me with Living Word Water.

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So the cruel reality is that my spirit is bruised bloody and broken because I’ve damaged it through years of entertaining desires and behaviors and selfish desires and lustful thoughts.

I know all of the verses.

I know all the stories.

I didn’t know all of the masks sexual immorality has.

I didn’t know how devastating idolatry of lust is against the spirit.

And I don’t know how He is going to heal my broken spirit.

I don’t know how long its going to take.

I know I don’t deserve the healing.

I know I’ve done a number on myself.

I don’t know when my heart will release the past and the people I’ve attached it to.

But, this verse absolutely encourages me:

“This I call to mind, and therefore I have hope; the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases and His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning.

Great is Your faithfulness.

‘The Lord is my portion’ says my soul. Therefore I put my trust in Him.

The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, and to the soul who seeks Him.

It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.” (Lamentations 3:21-26)

Now that I know what I’m dealing with, I have hope that I will begin to breathe again with no pain.

I’ve been wandering around, open and bleeding. Trying to take tums but the problem is I have a head cold.

Tums won’t help.

I need Vitamin C.

“Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.” (James 5:16)

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (1 john 1:9)

“The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
A broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.” (Psalm 51:17)

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Shame fear and guilt and self pity are all traps from the enemy and couldn’t be farther from His heart.

“Or do you think lightly of the riches of His kindness and tolerance and patience, not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance?” (Romans 2:4)

I started to become discouraged and guilty when the Lord revealed to be the reality of where I was spiritually and emotionally.

I was in the ER. By my own sinfulness. And I knew better.

Remember though, listen for peace and follow it. His voice says:

“Straightening up, Jesus said to her, “Woman, where are they? Did no one condemn you?”  She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus said, “I do not condemn you, either. Go. From now on sin no more.” (John 8:10-11)

He is simple, truthful and loving and profoundly liberating.

Never confusing either. Simply this:

“Sky, this is where you are as a result of what you’ve done. I forgive you. Go and sin no more.“

I don’t have to analyze. I’m not a better Christian for trying to figure it all out either.

HE asking me to repent and rest. Not panic and try to fix anything.

Its in the past. I’m forgiven. Keep moving forward.

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I can’t expect my heart to be ok yet. After all, it has been the last 14 months of “We belong together” and “I love you so much” replaying in my head.

I imagine it will take a bit of time for the undoing of these beliefs to manifest in my heart.

And I have to accept that, and again, trust His plan and His pace for my healing.

He promises to heal the broken hearted.

The truly broken.

“The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 38:18

“So put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive with meekness the implanted Word which is able to save your soul.” (James 1)

She brought only her tears and the finest oil she had. And with them both she washed His feet.

With her hair.

Emptied herself at His feet.

This act of emptying, compelled by love for the Lord was a reflection of her repentant heart, and He said:

“Do you see this woman? I entered your [pharasies] house; you gave me no water for my feet, but she has wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You gave me no kiss, but from the time I came in she has not ceased to kiss my feet. You did not anoint my head with oil, but she has anointed my feet with ointment. Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven—for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little.”  And he said to her, “Your sins are forgiven.” (Luke 7:44-48)

Luke 7 again, Look:

“And He answered and said to them, “Go and report to John what you have seen and heard: the BLIND RECEIVE SIGHT, the LAME WALK, the LEPERS ARE CLEANSED, and the DEAF HEAR, the DEAD RAISED UP, the POOR HAVE THE GOSPEL PREACHED TO THEM.” (Luke 7:22)

Healing the physical needs.

He is in the business of healing the blindness, lameness, diseased, deafness and deadness of the spirit as well.

“Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your filthiness and from all your idols. “Moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. “I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes, and you will be careful to observe My ordinances.…” (Ezekeil 36:25-27)

(…you really should read the whole chapter. Aaaa, the poetry of it all! Raptured. <3)

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His fame and His glory.

Always the end goal.

That is the whole reason I’m alive: to love Him and worship Him and share intimacy with Him and be a reflection if Him to the world. Him glorified is always the reason. And all that gets in the way of that one soul purpose needs to be destroyed.

I didn’t know how clobbered and unreachable, prideful,  I was. And will probably fall into pride. I don’t pretend to be pride-less. Even suggesting any such notion is, well, prideful!

I cannot radiate a single speck of His beauty or light without Him creating me new from the inside out.

“Do not call to mind the former things, or ponder things of the past. “Behold, I will do something new, now it will spring forth; Will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, Rivers in the desert. “The beasts of the field will glorify Me, The jackals and the ostriches, because I have given waters in the wilderness And rivers in the desert, To give drink to My chosen people.…” (Isaiah 48:18-20)

At His pace, for His purpose and His glory and His fame.

“For His name’s sake…”

(Psalm 23:3)

“But I will not do this for your sake but for the sake of my Holy Name…”

(Ezekiel 36:22)

“Finally then, brethren, we request and exhort you in the Lord Jesus, that as you received from us instruction as to how you ought to walk and please God (just as you actually do walk), that you excel still more.  For you know what commandments we gave you by the authority of the Lord Jesus. For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion, like the Gentiles who do not know God; and that no man transgress and defraud his brother in the matter because the Lord is the avenger in all these things, just as we also told you before and solemnly warned you. For God has not called us for the purpose of impurity, but in sanctification. So, he who rejects this is not rejecting man but the God who gives His Holy Spirit to you.”

(1 Thessalonians 4:1-8)

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He is jealous:

“You shall not make for yourself an idol, or any likeness of what is in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the water under the earth. You shall not worship them or serve them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God.” (Exodus 20:4-5)

“For the LORD your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God.” (Deuteronomy 4:24)

“For they provoked Him with their high places and aroused His jealousy with their graven images.” (Psalm 78:58)

And I’ve given my love to “graven” earthy desires and humans and temporal things.

I lost sight of eternity and set my mind on things of the earth.

Maybe not fame or fancy cars or mansions or food or body image anymore.

Its the deeper layers now. The core things I cling to.

I’ve made idols in my heart. Of people and romance and relationships which are all very earthly things.

NOT BAD THINGS. Just things not worthy of my whole entire heart.

And He is jealous, wildly, for my heart.

All of it.

Because He loves me. And His love lasts.

“Enter His gates with thanksgiving And His courts with praise. Give thanks to Him, bless His name. For the LORD is good; His lovingkindness is everlasting And His faithfulness to all generations.” (Psalm 100:4-5)

~

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~

That’s is who I am:

Endlessly cherished by God.

Who I am is not where I am.

Who I am is not what I’ve done.

Whether I’ve done good or whether I’ve done bad.

What I did: Sin. My choices. Deception. Ignorant. Defiant.

Where I am: I am in the emotional/Spiritual ER. Bruised. Scarred. Bloody. Beaten.

But who am I?

I am Endlessly cherished by God.

Totally independent from my performance, whether obedient or disobedient.

 “The LORD your God is in your midst, A victorious warrior. He will exult over you with joy, He quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy.” (Zephaniah 3:17)

“The LORD appeared to him from afar, saying, “I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore I have drawn you with lovingkindness. ”Again I will build you and you will be rebuilt, O virgin of Israel! Again you will take up your tambourines, and go forth to the dances of the merrymakers…” (Jeramiah 31:3-4)

(You can read more about your identity in Christ here: https://bible.org/article/who-does-god-say-i-am)

(…and here is an awesome link to a PDF with a printable Scriptural identity-in-Christ chart: http://www.prayertoday.org/2004/PDF/Guides/Who-I-Am.PDF )

~~~~~~~~~~

It will be a mystery to me if I ever love again (there is a little dramatic—Anne of green gables-flare-for you).

My heart, so wildly passionate about everything, I can hardly bear the thought of it being shot again.

I’m really tired right now. ugh. I need time. I have to learn balance, relearn to breathe.

I know not to live or remain in fear.

That’s just how I feel.

Today.

I accept where I am.

Today.

Emotional and spiritual ER.

Time is the best medicine.

Time and truth and a humility.

And I believe He can make this spirit whole and new.

Now that I really see what is going on with my spirit, I really know that I cannot do anything to make it right. In my own human strength and wisdom.

I continue to ask Him to reveal to me what all is hiding in my heart. It’s a daily prayer now, because pride says “You’re good. You’ve got this” but I know now how dangerous that mindset is. Daily (hourly, minutely) dose of His perspective and wisdom. Just keep asking.

Now I know how to pray now. And what to pray for and what to watch for.

And it’s Psalm 51. Over and over again.

“Against You, You only have I sinned and done what is evil in Your sight…You desire truth in the innermost secret of the heart…create in me a clean heart…”

~

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I’ll conclude with an easy four pointer summerization:

  • Recognize your sin. Identify idols. Ask God to show you were you are…honestly.
  • Repent. Make 180 degree turn from where He’s showing you are.
  • Refocus your heart continually on Him and His heart and truth through prayer.
  • Remain heavily steeped in His word. And healthy fellowship.

“Your word I have treasured in my heart that I may not sin against You.”

(Psalm 119:11)

The more sin swelled in your heart  (defiant or ignorant), the more life it will suck from your spirit.

~~~~~~~~~~

Oh that I would grow to treasure Your word.

Lord, I cup my hands empty.

To hunger and thirst.

Make me endlessly crave You above all else.

Take this heart.

Fortify my love for You.

~

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He has already begun.

Roots reaching. Searching.

Keep breathing,

-Sky

 

 

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