K#16| Yeah, I don’t know either.

Maybe reasons are over rated.

‘Just because’ kinda sums up how I’ve been feeling lately.

Tired, I guess.

Obsessive thoughts going around with no hope of subsiding. Cyclones whirl up dust of dead thoughts, the un-dealt with wreckage from days and weeks and months ago that lay scattered in its wake. Graveyard–memories–that hurt or  happy, unsettled left opened as if picking them up and thinking about them again repeatedly will cure the unanswerable(s).

Always grasping for the unreachable. Control. Which is an illusion, by the way. Aiming for control, but what kind of game is that anyway? What is the target? What motivates my chase?

Fear?

Or something like that.

Yeah, I don’t know either.

Just feeling worn out mentally.

I cannot control how people think of me, what they think or how they respond to me.

The real lament is this: Why on earth would I want to control perceptions of others? What kind of chaos would ensue.

Chaos!

Only God can discern the human heart. That isn’t my job. Praying for them is. Staying on the path of obedience, that is doing the things we already know to do, our steps become clear by His determination of “good timing”. 

Not mine.

When I type these truths out, and reread them from the screen, I can sense my spirit start to settle…dare I say relax.

If I trust someone, why would I not take him/her at their word (proverbs 3. I recommend the whole chapter, but I’ll tag this post with an excerpt at the end).

I’ll think of a good illustration of what I’m trying to say.

Life get messy and emotions have a tendency to blur the lines of reason. Or erase them completely. Thats when I fall. I lose sight of truth and rely on my fickle, weak, wounded, unstable heart for solace. (Jer. 17:9)

Until I get the dots connected, I want to hover over this one solid truth–I want to remember this:

For now, just be a doer. You may not know the nitty gritty daily details of your life, but God is very clear about the broader tasks and instructions. We know the will of God for our lives. Thats not the question you should be haunted with. What should haunt you is this: Do I trust and love Him enough to obey Him? To take him at his word? Being made into His likeness by way of physical obedience or am I decaying spiritually into the likeness of death at the response of disobedience?

Peace follows obedience. Every. Single. Time. That is one thing that I  do know for sure.

I am disobedient predominately in the area of trust.. if you think of me this week (Mom, Jenny, Jayne, Dad.. common observers) pray for strength in that area. He has given me a few opportunities to exercise my trust muscles.  But I keep blowing it, making a wreck of my heart…anxious, fearful, the normal Skylar sort of plagues. 😛

The funny thing about the heart is that no amount scolding from my lips with cause submission of the heart to my mind. It just keeps bleeding. Pulsing, beating, feeling, wanting, on and on with no ears to reason.

Yeah, maybe something like that.

I don’t know either.

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Chicken scratch. Inky thoughts.

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Peace sign photo bomb…Hannah.

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Sunday afternooning.

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Weeds are always prettier than flowers.

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Daisy chain kind of day.

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Brush strokes.

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Spilled paint.

It isn’t apathy, I promise. I am not lazy.

Hands on my watch will not stop counting. “tick tick tick tick tick tick” all through the day and all through the night,

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just a subtle reminder: Sky, you do not have any control.

“The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of sixty minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is.” C.S. Lewis

Proverbs 3:1-12 

(Do yourself a favor a read the whole chapter)

1My son, do not forget my [a]teaching,
But let your heart keep my commandments;
For length of days and years of life
And peace they will add to you.
Do not let kindness and truth leave you;
Bind them around your neck,
Write them on the tablet of your heart.
So you will find favor and good [b]repute
In the sight of God and man.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
And do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He will make your paths straight.
Do not be wise in your own eyes;
Fear the Lord and turn away from evil.
It will be healing to your [c]body
And refreshment to your bones.
Honor the Lord from your wealth
And from the first of all your produce;
10 So your barns will be filled with plenty
And your vats will overflow with new wine.
11 My son, do not reject the [d]discipline of the Lord
Or loathe His reproof,
12 For whom the Lord loves He reproves,
Even as a father corrects the son in whom he delights.

Isaiah 48:17-18

Thus says the Lord,
    your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel:
“I am the Lord your God,
    who teaches you to profit,
    who leads you in the way you should go.
 Oh that you had paid attention to my commandments!
    Then your peace would have been like a river,
    and your righteousness like the waves of the sea;

117. Choice to trust. Practice to trust. Testing that produces perseverance.

135. empty sunday afternoons filled with coffee and  conversations

136. weeds. Always prettier than flowers

140. Lack of control. Takes the pressure off (at least in theory)

142. appetite for righteousness– the promise that I will be filled (Matthew 5:6)

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One thought on “K#16| Yeah, I don’t know either.”

  1. Oh Sky, you are contemplating on one of the things I so struggle with, and I think all Believers in JESUS do to some extent. To put my trust in Him alone, in complete obedience to Him. Yes, the words “sound,” good, but in addition to trusting and obeying, we are fighting a battle of great magnitude. Ephesians 6:12 says, “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.” Read that slowly about three times. I often forget that my soul and mind are being attacked on a minute by minute basis, by powers greater than I, although not greater than Him who is in me. Satan does not want us to trust and obey and relax and have peace. But I promise to pray for you to be obedient in the area of trusting Him. To clothe yourself with the armament that you need to fight evil. To take His sword, literally carry your Bible with you, and hold it up against bad thoughts, control issues, anything that will rob you of His peace.
    “Lord Jesus, please watch over Skyler at this point in her life. She is struggling and needs to feel Your mighty presence in order to fight the evil one who will attack her and all who believe in You. Please give her concrete ways to obey you, and truly feel Your peace. Shield her from evil and cover Skylar with Your angels, let them carry her when she gets too weary to go on. I trust that You will do this and thank you for allowing us to trust you, to have that choice. Hold my dear niece in the palm of Your mighty hand, don’t let go. I trust and know You will do this. And yes, let her be ok with “just because.” We don’t have control or answers, but You do! Thank you. I love you, your humble (well, trying to be), servant, jayne. Amen”

    Liked by 1 person

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