I was talking with a friend tonight, chatted for about two hours. Talked about nothing really but our time seemed rich and full. I am very inquisitive and like to voice my curiosities into conversations. I asked about college, and he shared with me his ‘plan’ (on that note, I have to say, at my age trying to establish a social life sucks because everyone goes away for school and leaves me here dry and lonely).
He has a very quiet demeanor. He hardly says anything. Very staccato, if you will, in speech and straightforward with answers. I enjoy that type of person. I like to be brief and to the point (in conversation). His silence was agreeable, seeing that I too enjoy the freedom to just sit and be together. I’ve learned that ‘awkward’ is a state of mind.
He is very relaxed and very sure; very confident and very balanced. Qualities I admire immensely in a young man. Admittedly, partly because those are four qualities which suffer severely in me. Suffer due to neglect.
I remembered tonight that it is time to quit this game of ideals. My ideals change so rapidly anyway, I can hardly keep up with them myself.
I’ve plotted my path to the finest detail, over and over again. I’ve learned from that obsessive behavior is that my plans have a 40% success rate (that is a generous estimate). People come and go. Life changes. Hearts break. Hearts heal. Me believing that I can plan out any bit of my life is like a two and a half year old believing that he can pour is our milk into his cereal bowl. I have zeal, and such a full passion for life, yet I am so afraid that if I don’t know where I am going, then I will miss everything. But it is when I ‘know’ (or think I know) where I’m going, I miss out. I take more than I can handle, combine it with my determination to just go anywhere, and run, I end up running past all of whats in front of me. For three years now I could have invested a lot more time and interest into my friendship here instead of pining for what was lost, and now he is going away soon and won’t be here anymore. It saddens me greatly and I wish for that time back.
I’m proud of my friend. I am jealous that he has a vague idea, that he is going to school, that he is “starting life“. But then, he isn’t so focused or driven. He is just here and letting things happen. Letting God unfold his story one day at a time.
I hope he marries a beautiful woman and has eight bouncing red heads and a golden doodle.
Photo of my singing in my room, 2011.
Stars on my soles.
I just wanna sing.