Dawn of Today.

Good morning Lord.

Im here, I pray.

I try uttering with words what my heart thuds away.

I can’t even see what questions it holds.

They’re deeply rooted, tucked within the folds of this soul.

You see me naked, I’m raw. I’m bare.

Why waste my breaths pretending that you’re looking elsewhere?

Nakedness of soul is hard for me to see,

Im very good at hiding myself from me.

Draw me deep, help me breathe.

Show me who you’ve created me to be.

I long to be whole more than anything

and so far I’ve learned that most healing come through agony.

Im ready Lord, begin again.

purge my heart of every wicked intent.

“Walk with me”  my Father said.

So onto my feet, I roll out of bed.

Throuh sleepy eyes I see sun

Before I was here, this day has begun.

The heart starts to sing as the Trekk inclines

Breathing comes precious expansions inside.

Atop the hill The fields unspool

all greens and every gray imaginable.

Panting faintly by the trickling creek

eight tiny hoofs stoop low for a drink.

two flecked with white, purity’s kiss

the other two leap ore fallen trees; effortless.

crows moan, and sparrows swoon.

distant town is waking too.

rays bleed through sheets of fog

gently caress the morning joy.

I hear the shadow passing over me

tiny flock of  black birds flapping against the breeze.

And with all this to see , I still don’t hear

what Words He desires for me soul to bare.


Today Lord, even now, I’m listening.

i know Your voice, I hear Your wooing.

Give me the manna I need for today:

The mystery of dependency births life and strength.

give me faith to sustain

my every need for today.

and today alone is all I’m promised,

so I thank you Lord for this moment.

Speak to my heart, lead me to You

and not who I think you are or what I think I should do.

Forgive me for pride of doing what I know best,

and lead me toward everlasting, rich rest.




“It’s Flower falls, and beauty perishes.”

James 1:9-11

It really does all pass.

This too…

…and that…

…even these…

I don’t cling to God during these less-than-ideal seasons of life because I want to.

I need to.

and to cling to God, in simple terms, is to keep the mind on Him and to remember (and remember and remember and repeat) His Truth in your head until it trickles down and stains the heart and everything in you.

My prayer isn’t that this will pass.

I refused the habit of hurry when I was crowned with joy and bliss–why adopt it now when i wear my own thorn-like head dress and face my own kind of rejection and disappointments?

My prayer is that I will grow always and everywhere and to be real always and everywhere and fully enter each season, emotionally, physically, spirtually, and live here and now and not wish away my life for something I might think I need or want.

The last years of my life were precious, but isn’t all life precious?  Isn’t all existence on this earth a miracle and wouldn’t you be so sad to be there, there at the very end of it all, the very last inhalation of this dust and wind and see nothing in your past but a blurr of hurried nothings?

Of empty gain, futile achievements, dusty trophies cracked and shattered, riches, status, beauty, all of it—the slime we’re addicted to and run to for comfort, to hide—is that what you want your legacy to be?

Where is God’s heart : and I read it here in Matthew 7:


21 “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.22 On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’ 23 And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.’

24 “Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25 And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. 26 And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. 27 And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.”

Those verse shook my very soul. I was 16 I think, maybe almost 17. I read the words fast, then stopped breathing, then again slow and was stunned: All these years of “being a Christian” and having grown up in a (as they say) “Christian home” and I was hearing for His very lips: You don’t know Me.

Here it is, His heart, His will, all dwindled down into the simplest terms:

Love Him and others. Relationships.

Matthew 22:36-40

And so the chasing had to stop and the aimless spinning and wanting and cravings for fame and beauty and romance (the things I thought would give me worth and a purpose) began to die because I could spend my whole life running in circles and “doing” the apparent right things, but then meet Him there once its all over and receive the most unfathomably devastating rejection any human being will ever, ever receive. (will there be tears in His eyes before mine?)

He wants intimacy with us. His heart is that my heart and His heart become one heart and I go beating his Truth (in love) throughout my entire life. Wherever, whenever. Even now! Here!

Undivided and focused on seeking Him first (Matthew 6! Luke 12! <3).

John knows it too:

“15 Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. 16 For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life—is not from the Father but is from the world. 17 And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever.” 1 John 2:15-17H

Here again, life is fragile and fleeting:

“14 For he knows our frame;
    he remembers that we are dust.

15 As for man, his days are like grass;
    he flourishes like a flower of the field;
16 for the wind passes over it, and it is gone,
    and its place knows it no more. ” Psalm 103:14-16

“3 O Lord, what is man that you regard him,
    or the son of man that you think of him?
Man is like a breath;
    his days are like a passing shadow.” Palm 144:3-4

“…14 yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.” James 4:14

“For we are but of yesterday and know nothing,
    for our days on earth are a shadow.” Job 8:9

It all will pass.

And before you know it, your time is ending here and you’ve missed your chance to encounter your purpose. Maybe you did well at work and at the gym and were beautiful and popular in your youth, but what relationships did you foster? Who’s heart did your life mirror? I’m not saying always and perfect, but I am asking, what is the nature  of your heart and actions and desires?

Over and over again I read, more than these few Words I’ve shared, that life on earth ends for all humans.

Don’t miss Him here. Don’t miss Him at all! Don’t rush past blind to the wonder of life and beauty that can be yours if you only still although to know. (Psalm 46:10)

And to rush through any circumstances we’re given (whether a season of romantic bliss or demolishing confusion and hurt, or life’s signature mundane routines-ness), hurrying through life will result in fatal emptiness. And chronic void.

What I mean is there is something bigger than your life here and now and your desires and your dreams and your broken smothered bruised up heart. There is more to your breathing and beating bag of bones than the marathons you (Literally and hypatetically) run or the people you impress or the music you write or the polished performance of a perfect-on-the-outside-but-are-totally-atrophying-on-the-inside (Matthew 23:27).

God sees you straight through naked and bare anyway.

Any deception is ultimately self deception and you’ll grow little if at all as long as you’er not willing to be cut opened and honest with yourself and God.

Once you see where you are, who you are, to Whom you belong, Then you grow from there. even the lowest of the lows, it doesn’t matter. You’ll shoot up soaring if you’re true—repent, if you Trust and obey. Not grieving the Spirit, but walking humbly with Him (Micah 6:8). Mysterious, supernatural obedience, supernatural life (Ephesians 2:1-10) to the Word, yielding life walking consistent progress, not perfection.

In my flesh, i want to run and run long and run far and run fast and furiously and forever away from here and now. From the hurt of now and the fear of tomorrow(s).

But in my spirit, I know it is good to wait (Lamentations 3:25-26). And I am strong when I wait (Psalm 27). And fear is futile and helps the enemy further wreck me (Psalm 37:8!).

And to be quiet and honest and still is actually moving forward in leaps and bounds while worry and fear and denial keeps you running wild in circles.

Enjoy now. Wherever you are, be all there and bloom with what you have wherever you are. There is always another story, someone else’s life or circumstances, which will be “better” or “worse” than yours. Thank God for Yours, and keep moving forward.

One step at a time.

“Hurried life empties the soul.”

You get to choose what  lay in your wake. And on that day, there will be things (for me lots of things) I know I’ll refuse or regret, but right now  can be a new point from where I move forward and honor God with my attitude primarily, then let the goodness of Him in me infect my behavior and actions and conduct and life will pass whether I’m happy or sad or in love or in sorrow or in hope or despair.

I choose the one with the side affect of joy—the gratitude life.

The rich life.

“My son, keep my words
    and treasure up my commandments with you;
keep my commandments and live;
    keep my teaching as the apple of your eye;
bind them on your fingers;
    write them on the tablet of your heart.
Say to wisdom, “You are my sister,”
    and call insight your intimate friend,
to keep you from the forbidden woman,
    from the adulteress with her smooth words.” Proverbs 7:1-5


“7 The law of the Lord is perfect,
    reviving the soul;
the testimony of the Lord is sure,
    making wise the simple;
the precepts of the Lord are right,
    rejoicing the heart;
the commandment of the Lord is pure,
    enlightening the eyes;
the fear of the Lord is clean,
    enduring forever;
the rules of the Lord are true,
    and righteous altogether.
10 More to be desired are they than gold,
    even much fine gold;
sweeter also than honey
    and drippings of the honeycomb.
11 Moreover, by them is your servant warned;
    in keeping them there is great reward.” Psalm 19:7-11


Sorting Thoughts and Heart Stuffs.

It just hurts.

Give the heart raw, having it thrown back careless.

It just hurts.

And that is where I am.

God is still good, and I am always loved. My circumstances do not reflect the measure of Gods love for me. Nor my value in His eyes.

Life just hurts right now.

But with a heart weary and wounded, I’m surrounded by beauty. Beauty I refuse to miss!

Beauty He knew would be balm to for this Spirit.

Here and now.

And He reminds me, through kindness from friends, this extension of His love for me through tenderness of tangible human hands, that I am free to grieve.

It is safe to express the grief of a forever goodbye.

It is good too weep for the loss of someone you cherish.

What kind of heartlessness if I didn’t?

God knows me.

He knows this heart. He gave it to me! He knows the wound and its depth. And He is near. To help me walk through this pain.

“The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart,
And saves such as have a contrite spirit.” Psalm 34:18

And how I need His Truth. And how I need His love to comfort me.

To carry me.

I relfect back on the last two years and start to remember what I’ve cherished.

All the little memories I’ve tucked away safe in cracks and crevices of my heart for forever.

A scrapbook in the flesh.

It hasn’t been easy. Letting it all go. The hopes, the memories, the jokes, the shared exsperience, the favorites that were “ours”. It hasn’t been a passive tornado of a memory purge. Or an instant fire and past evaporated smoke.

But a very purposeful slow process of letting each treasure go one at a time as it should surface. And into the wind of yesterday I must set it free.

I agreed in my heart to a forever love, and I wrestle with my heart because forever isnt an option anymore, and I didnt know not to make such a big commitment.

And the sense of disloyalty echoes. And I see a face with streaming tears in the mirror not because I feel self pity but because this heart will not give up. And I desire earnestly to do what is right.

I deeply desire to do what is right. Is that let go of the past and the person? It is obvious to EVERYONE else that that is the “right thing” to do. I find that I’m still, still just not ok with that.

I do not wish to live in denial or continue in company of people who hurt me.

for the first time, I’m actually willing to let go.

Am I being stubborn?

Am I too determined?

Im angry, confused, and ready to be done.

So I forget it all.

I forget myself and look into the eyes of Christ.

Im precious, cherished,loved, deeply and forever.

He can take care of my heart. He wants to take care of it! He wants my trust, so I give it to Him. Moment by moment.

The less I try to be ok, the more naturally peace will come.

The more I try to hurry the process of this gnawing forever goodbye the more I hurt myself and prolong the process.

I don’t see today, but I know I’m not the only person who has every had the dreams slashed and heart dashed relentless.

I know the strength in these bones and the freedom in my spirit, the laughter I crave will come in buckets.

When Im ready to laugh again.


which is soon.


Worship, focus on God and His majesty, love, authority, secures the heart steady for anything.

It’s in the forgetting of self that I begin to really live, and live with a certain joy.

Even though my eyes are dry, I know it, but tears keep coming. Even though the heart feels hallow and torn and trashed, I sense the beams of hope creeping over this shadowy place and the valley is almost fully traveled.

Just a little farther to go!


“Out of the depths I have cried to You, O Lord;
Lord, hear my voice!
Let Your ears be attentive
To the voice of my supplications.
If You, Lord, should mark iniquities,
O Lord, who could stand?
But there is forgiveness with You,
That You may be feared.
I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
And in His word I do hope.
My soul waits for the Lord
More than those who watch for the morning—
Yes, more than those who watch for the morning.
O Israel, hope in the Lord;
For with the Lord there is mercy,
And with Him is abundant redemption.
And He shall redeem Israel
From all his iniquities.”

Psalm 130

So I sing, and the medicine of music soothes the sting.

I remember to be honest with myself and where I am in my heart. And have grace with the pace at which I’m processing this grief.

Grace grace grace.

Your only human, fragile and dear.

It takes time to heal.

Be patient.
“There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.” -C.S. Lewis

In time, I’ll be done with trying to understand what happened and why and who he really is vs. who I thought he was, and I’ll embrace this hope that tomorrow is brighter and better and He wants to do good things for me.

And my prayer for myself is that I will see and hear truth And grow from said truth and not hold onto false perceptions of who he was to me or who he really is.

Just takes time to sort it all out.

But in the mean time, I choose joy And songs and life abundant.



Hurt will soon be a shadow of my past.


Dwelling Place

“…I will make a covenant of peace with them; it will be an everlasting covenant with them. And I will place them and multiply them, and will set My sanctuary in their midst forever. “My dwelling place also will be with them; and I will be their God, and they will be My people. “And the nations will know that I am the LORD who sanctifies Israel, when My sanctuary is in their midst forever.” Ezekiel 37:26-28

“Moreover, I will make My dwelling among you, and My soul will not reject you. I will also walk among you and be your God, and you shall be My people.…” Leviticus 26:11-12

“Let them construct a sanctuary for Me, that I may dwell among them.” Exodus 25:8

“And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” Psalm 23

The Western wall.

The fringe of the very place where the Spirit of the living God once dwelt among His people.

Gods people gather in massive quantities to these stacked limestones and spill the tears into His hands. Every crack and cervis of the structure is stuffed with paper prayers. Current folded hopes and dreams wedged between thousands and thousands of years of history.

In some cases ink and tears bleed together on the prayer letters. Sorrow and hope collid—human fragility on paper.

Praisers, the Mariums and David’s, the ones with uncontainable joy, are excluded from the contrite and solom. Only in very recent years have these joyful ones been allowed to approach he wall with their praise hearts. To dance and sing freely at the hem of this once Holy dwelling place.

It’s empty now. But they come because they believe it to be the closes they can get to God.

Today atop the Temple Mount (the space which thes walls encase) resides the Muslim holy site “The Dome Of The Rock” (circa 688-692).

But we come because we know He has already overcome. And I beheld the place, a fragment, and glimps, of where His Spirit spilled from heaven and pooled on earth. To dwell. And He dwells here and now in my heart. Because the veil was torn.

They come (Jewish people) to draw near. To come close and be close because it is written in our hearts, each of us, to yearn for the sacred, divine intimacy for which we were designed. Closeness they chase, not aware of the existing reality of The Way.



I’m in a land where the war waging is not against flesh and blood or skin tone and personalities. This tension is truly spiritual in nature, and though physically one can see and be discouraged by seeing monuments erected on true Holy sites in honor of fales Gods, you know as a believer in the One a True Living God that John 16:33 is the anchor which keeps your heart and your head stable:

“I have told you these things so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take courage; I have overcome the world.”



“What agreement can exist between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: “I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be My people.” 2 Corinthians 6:16

“Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.” 2 Corinthians 6:19-20

I stood toe to toe with he wall. Puddle of tears surrounded me. Not of my own grief but neighboring sorrows spilling from hearts of women around me.

They enage their bodies in prayers, rocking back and forth, as a way of embodying the very cry from their lips and hearts and souls. Reciting words quilled so long ago. Doesn’t seem to matter that the words aren’t their own. They speak the word they, cling to the words, they cherish the words. With all they have. As if they were their own.


In awe they begin to step away, not turning their backs to the wall. As the women peel away, they leave their spirit bound by Hope.

Space is made for me to squeeze in and pray face to face with this precious place.

I, timid and curious, approach the space and breathe the dust.

I feel the cool beneath my right palm, then the beating of my heart beneath my left.

Im caught in a moment of thought, first this:

Lord, You are real, and I center myself on this reality. You are alive!

Then this:

Psalm 23. The whole passage.

“And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”

The words stung.

The beating warmth of my own life, living and breathing Spirit, dwelling in me and then this empty cold stone behind the right hand where they all flock to, and weep at and pray for miricals and blessings and hope and plea for providence. The hallow empty they cling to, and yet in my very own hallow body beats the One who they’re after. Who they’re crying for.

And I can only smile.

And then my own candid tear escapes and I softly lisp the words again:

“And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.









Joy Peom

Uncagable gladness

welled from the soul

ever flowing like blood

echoing pulse.


Unshakable peace

surging deep


uprooted serenity.


Open the lens and capture the life

breathing and beathing

on the wings of  butterfly


Foundation for joy

isn’t more than a choice



life changing song.


and to sing it freely

oh capture the beauty

richly encircling

your beating body.


Skeletal frame

burdened with shame

begin again, it’s a new day!

Dont give your hope away!


What holds more beauty

than that woman who smiles

grey clouds enfolding her

the contrast:

Beauty runs wild.


The unchanable gladness

This undying glee

begins and ends

with the thoughts that you think.


Joy is not fleeting or circumstantial

but the wellspring, the life blood

the remedy for impossible.


contentment and peace

two separate streams

but when they collid

Joy spills, floods.

Joy — invading.


Joy is choice

and choice is you

you find who you are by being truly–

absolutely you.


Open the windows–

look to see

listen to hear

speak to sing.


all things begin as seeds

joy blooms wherever it’s planted

tend to it

Nurture it with contentment.


It can take root in the foulest ground

and with every rain and thunder

roots grip further down


Infectious by nature

contagious by default

Embody the lightheartedness

contribute joy to the world.


Joy blooms when you trust

when you thank

when you slow

when you give

when you’re quiet

when you let go.

Restores My Soul.

Lead me where waters are still

Fields are rich with rolling hills


Oil, so sweet




The Lord is my Shepherd [to feed, to guide and to shield me], I shall not want…”


“…He lets me lie down in green pastures…”



“…He leads me beside the still and quiet waters…”


“…He refreshes and restores my soul (life)…”


“…He leads me in the paths of righteousness…”


“…for His name’s sake…”


“…Even though I walk through the [sunless] valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil…” 


“…for You are with me;
Your rod [to protect] and Your staff [to guide], they comfort and console me…”


“…You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies…”


“…You have anointed and refreshed my head with oil…”


“…My cup overflows…”


“…Surely goodness and mercy and unfailing love shall follow me all the days of my life…”


“..And I shall dwell forever [throughout all my days] in the house and in the presence of the Lord.”



Psalm 23


From the Amplified Version.



Savasana is a posture in yoga. Arguably the most difficult to achieve in its full expression.

If you didn’t know better, you’d probably attach the words “most difficult” and “yoga”  to a skinny long haired yogi with intricate ‘yin / yang’ and koi tattoos sketched on the skin doing the most abstract one handed inversion on a random desolate mountain top somewhere in India.

But Savasana, in its purest simplicity, is literally laying down on your back.

All limbs on the floor.

All muscles totally relaxed and every thought stilled beyond stillness.

“Corps pose” is the english name. One of my teachers offers this cue when we practice savasana in class “If you were really dead right now, what other muscles could you relax? What else do you need to let go of?”

And that is why it is arguably the must difficult: Embodying stillness beyond stillness both in the body and in the mind. 

This Psalm, Psalm 23, is the antidote to my restlessness.

To my moments of anti-stillness.

The cure for my dis-ease of frantic thinking and constant contemplating.

When I ponder myself into hopeless disaster, this reminder that when He is leading me (or,when I am following Him), I will find myself near still waters. I will be guided by calmness and serenity. Becuase of His nature. That is who He is.

And if I hear hurricanes and storm sirens echo between my ears, then I’ve wondered too far. I need to draw near.

And then I am surrounded by lush rolling green forever whenever I rest my mind on the reality of His presence and life in me and in creation.

Breathing and beating His grace.

When I rest my thoughts on His love for me. Oh what peace.

What fulfillment I experience.

Because that is all I really need.

And come to find out, that is all I truly want.

He is very alive and when I worry, I forget that. When I worry, its because I’m looking at my life with these earth eyes again and forgetting the Word lens.

The earth eyes see me as most important and they see that I need to figure everything that is bothering, hurting or disappointing me out. Right now (or preferably yesterday). And if I dont have all of the answers, then I am not allowed to have peace.

Always such urgency and no grace.

And sure enough the Word always says to wait and to slow and to be still. 

Opposite of the howling urgencies anxiety ensue.

Why does He tell us to be still?

Because it is so unnatural for us humans (or at least for myself) to wait and slow and still.

Hurry is a hard habit to break!

But I’ve found that a hurried life indeed empties the soul. And haste makes waste.

  • The Word always says to set your mind no things above (Col. 3).
  • On pure, lovely noble things (Phil. 4).
  • Transformation comes from the renewing of the mind (Rom. 12).
  • And that it is good to wait (Lam. 3).
  • You cannot, cannot have a fruitful life apart from Him; resting in Him (John 15).

The Bible never tells us to focus on ourselves.

And whenever I do, I’m most restless.


So, savasana, “corps pose”, dead pose.

Surrender pose.

Surrender is always the hardest part. Of anything.

Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!” Psalm 46:10

Let go of the false responsibility that you have to have it all figured out before you can enter His rest.

You cannot control anything (or at least very very very little) that happens around you. But take comfort and joy in knowing, in believing, that it is your job to stay near the Truth and while your life may be falling apart outside and around you, you can have the stillness beyond stillness in your spirit. That is real stillness. Stillness, rest, in your spirit.

He is sovereign, you are loved, and all you need, the only thing you need, is a real living relationship with Him, the real living creator and lover of your soul.

The One who made you, loves you.

So I rest, and because I’m rested, I can praise, and I praise because what else can escape my lips?







Simple Truth: Will He Not?

“Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds!”


 “And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?”


 “If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest?”


“Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.”


 “But if God so clothes the grass, which is alive in the field today, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith!”


“And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried.  For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them.  Instead, seek his kingdom, and these things will be added to you.”


 “Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom.”


“Sell your possessions, and give to the needy. Provide yourselves with moneybags that do not grow old, with a treasure in the heavens that does not fail, where no thief approaches and no moth destroys.”


” For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.”

Luke 12:24-34

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