K#26| Little Bits of Lesson I’m learning.

My Lord asked me to do three things:

-Obey

-Trust

-Praise

My heart wrangled, tangled in ropes, and tugged in many directions. Equal force from every line, I curl, hugging knees, unsure as to which pull to go with.

I cannot see to the end of any of the ropes: where should I live? Who should I love? Who will love me? Which job?

Which work out routine? Lunch? Which Bible verse should I memorize next? Which book should I read? Theology? Doctrine?

Which where when who how why.

For starters, I don’t know the exact answer to any of those questions. Thats why I have rope burns. But walk with me this afternoon as I try to cut some ropes in search of clarity and peace.

OBEDIENCE

“Obedience Softens the heart” a friend of mine told me last week. The whole message he delivered was good.. I don’t remember anything about it, but only because those four words have really stuck with me.

Obedience softens, He molds.

TRUST

“Worrying is basically praying for something you don’t want to happen to happen” my sister reminded me of this today while she was trying her best to talk be off the edge.

She is correct. not only is it counter productive, it is disobedient. The Word tells me over and over to not worry. To not lean on my own understanding, but to trust in Him with my whole heart.

“Trust isn’t [always] waiting for God to show you. It is taking a step and trusting that God will be there” mom encouraged me with those words last week.

Trust is an exercise that builds faith muscles. For the intimate relationship God yearns for between He and I, strong faith muscles are required.

Trust is choosing to believe that He knows best and cares most for me and my life. As a disciple of Christ I have the Word as a light unto my feet, so that I see the steps in front of me. Everything is supposed to fade in the shadows. Trust grows one step at a time.

Trust, I breath.

PRAISE 

 I am always brought back to this simple reminder whenever I succumb to anxiety: Give thanks for all things, in all things.

Simply seek out opportunities to be grateful and be purposeful about expressing them.

An attitude of praise and thanks opens the heart as well, because (like trust) praise falls under the category of obedience.

Obedience softens.

The scripture is clear about instructing us to worship God.

SO clear.

Praise, I smile.

All of the ropes, knotted and taught, meet the ground in a cloud of dust; Clarity: Seek ye first the Kingdom of God, then all of these things will be added to you.

My Lord, so ravenous for my heart, jealous for my soul, wants me to seek Him first.

I don’t know which tug to follow because I lost sight of what is most important.

Relationship with HIm.

Despite my surroundings, despite my circumstances. Despite the excitements, despite the let downs.

Prioritizing, structuring your day so that He is the beginning, the middle and the end.

That is what is most important. Though some ropes may tighten their grip, keeping my eyes focused, purposefully placed on His eyes, extinguishes the tug-of-war over my heart.

Practically speaking, the steps I’ve taken to nurture my relationship with Him is memorizing His words. You learn a lot about someone when you know what they say, stand for, are about.

When I have Him first, everything else falls into place around Him.

That is how its supposed to be.

Like carrying rocks in a bucket; fill your bucket with the big rocks first, then pour in the little one around the big ones. Everything fits.

I have memorized Psalm 139 and Psalm 23 this past month.

Ironic (or not), Psalm 139 talks about how I cannot escape His presence in my life. He is here, wherever I go. When my heart is inclined to His and there are many ropes to chose form, He says “Go! I’m with you! Before and behind you”.

Read it.

I have to go now. Off to a meeting.

i wanted to share this song, “Stay and Wait” by Hillsong: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ya5lpGxMB30

The words that have rung in my heart the past two days are:

” I will wait and hold fast to Your word

Heart on Your heart and my eyes on Yours”

-Sky

K#24| Another Song In The Making

if I take the wings of the Dawn
and dwell ore the sea
wherever I may run
You’re with me
~
You know me too well
crafted me form dirt
dry brittle earth
falls through your fingers
Your finger prints
are all over my skin
You breathed  the breath of life into my lungs
which is why I sing my songs
~
Search my heart
cleanse my hands
Guide my feet
with your lamp
You hem me in
behind and before
With your right hand You hold me
 You lead me through the dark
~
Quietly I’ve learned to bow
humbly at the cross I fall
With joy knowing fully well
You’re the warrior of my soul
~
Lead me where waters are still
fields rich
With rolling hills
Overflowing
oil so sweet
Crowns
litter the ground
at your feet
on my knees
(Photo of a sunrise view atop the school).
The element of joy has been lacking in my worship lately.
I used to look forward to going to church as a little girl because of the praise and worship time. I remember certain songs would echo in my head for days..carry me through the week. I loved worship.
Being in the position of a worship leader, I’ve been convicted of a few few things, mainly my lack of sacrifice..
What I mean I guess is that I’ve been very focused on the musicality, pleasing the other band members and trying to listen to what everybody has to say–I don’t want it to be a Skylar show– but at the same time, it has been very stressful trying to appease everyone.
That stress and contributed to the extraction of enjoyment during worship greatly.
Worship is a lifestyle, not a 30 minute segment before the pastor speaks and then another 4 minutes after the service.
Its the posture of living a surrendered life, heart swelled with gratitude and trust equally.
Stars from the world  collet in mounds at my feet (do you remember the Max Lucado story about the wooden puppets?).
Gaze set on the cross.
Knees bowed, heart sinks too.
Song escapes my lips by chance, as an overflow of gladness.
In the shadow of the cross.
It is never about me, but always about His glory, and reflecting that, pointing others to Him.
And that is where the gladness is! Music is powerful. My voice is an instrument of His peace, beauty, glory, love, grace, mercy! But gladness cannot be birthed from anxiety of someone being driven by perfectionism.
Gladness always come form a surrendered heart.
Thankful for being______ (fill in the blank).
Gratitude resinates in the heart, setting the stage.
Eyes aimed on the cross.
Heart focused on His scars.
The less of me the better.
May I pale completely in the light of Him and who He is.
That is my prayer.
Kisses,
Sky

Psalm 100

1Shout joyfully to the Lord, all the earth.

Serve the Lord with gladness;
Come before Him with joyful singing.
Know that the Lord [b]Himself is God;
It is He who has made us, and [c]not we ourselves;
We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.

Enter His gates with [d]thanksgiving
And His courts with praise.
Give thanks to Him, bless His name.
For the Lord is good;
His lovingkindness is everlasting
And His faithfulness to all generations.

K#23|Liddy.

Photos of Lydia.

I’ve decided to affectionately call her Liddy.

I don’t know is she likes it or not, but it fits.

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Jenny, look at how long my hair is!

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Setting, moon rising. Paint brush swirls.

Good day so far. A little lazy, what with editing photos and stuff. Still cannot sing, which was torture this afternoon as I was watching Mulan with Evvie…*lip syncs “I’ll make a man out of you!”*

It is my auntly duty.

:)

K#22: Seoul Searching

A play on words, but relevant nonetheless.

Back home form a very nurturing retreat over the weekend. Saturday we were split into groups for a scavenger hunt around Seoul.

We had a regrettably massive amount of fun.

regrettable because I know it will likely not happen again…here are some of my favorite shots.

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The previous stop the train was practically empty. The doors opened here and a tremendous amount of people flooded in. Group selfie of us all squished together like sardines. Good thing we didn’t stick out like  sore thumbs or anything. :D

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Groupie with a poster of Seoul Tower (instead of the real tower).

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Candid Groupie.

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Best Tourist shot! *high five*

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Its just fun.

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Lauren and I. Group waiting to cross the street; some smiles. :)

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Reflections.

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Street food.

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Waiting for the Bus. Lovely women.

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Driving home. Bye Seoul. Je t’adore.

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candids rock.

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Messing around on the bus.

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Hannah and I post retreat walking home. Side walk littered with yellow leaves. IMG_5718 IMG_5721 IMG_5724

Becca and I watching the sunset. Drink it in!

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Taste from my past weekend.

In brief (a word seldom utilized in my vocabulary), before I can disciple or love others, I have to be actively engaged in my relationship with Christ. I was doing it the other way around as it would turn out, thus the stress and instability reoccurring in my life.

I will save you the dramatized version of my weekend and give you this: God wants me to trust Him, and He has shown me that I can.

Kisses from Korea, (is that too cheesy?)

Sky

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K#21| Beautiful Scars

Beautiful Scars

On a tree / arms west to east / the brittle earth drinks Your sweet blood

Final breath resounds / veil falls down / Father now You’re here with us

Oh what a beautiful heart  / oh what beautiful scars

-

Weight of sin / crushed your bones / yet You caused grace to fall

When I defy / I try and hide / but I can’t escape you’re quite love

Oh what a beautiful heart / oh what beautiful scars

You hold this heart / with Hands that I scared

Bleed though I may / You’ve lived the cruelest pain

Your love for me

Takes my breath away

Rebellious heart / kept us apart / It was right for me to be condemned

All for love / You came down to us / to give your life for life of men

oh what a beautiful heart / oh what beautiful scars

—-

The photo I used here was taken last autumn during one of my sorta-routine sunday afternoon drives with Mom. We were wandering through the mountains. Dad was in the X-terra behind us (maybe I was riding with him?). We were looking for property.

The most beautiful thing about this Korea  trip  I would  say most definitely has been the people I’ve met here.

Treasure Friendships that I pray will last a lifetime.

Some may, others may not. C’est la vie.

In the mean time, before farewells are formally due, I will enjoy this time with gratitude swelled heart. God has opened doors here for me to serve, encourage and love the people He loves. I believe He’ll continue to use me in that manner wherever I go.

It anguishes me to think of the nearing goodbye, but I find slight solidarity in the center of stormy emotions when I remember that He opened these doors in the first place (who would have thought I’d meet and do and be and serve in Korea like I am!) and will do so again when He leads me to my next destination. This is not the end–only the beginning.

Family, I keep saying it because it is true: I don’t miss you at all! My absence has enriched my love for you, but not insisted any pain or home sickness. I feel more secure here than I ever have before it my life! That to say this: life is changing. Anything could happen and i am now very open to be/live/do whatever and where He will lead me.

Don’t know what my life will look like, and i am somehow ok with that.

Beautiful, huh? I, Skylar, am not anxious about what my future will look like.

God knows best, and I’ve prayed that He would show me that. That He would let me see that I can trust him.

Still a working progress, but when I remember how I was feeling during the start of my trip (wanting to come home, doubting, knowing that I made a mistake by being here)  and comparing those emotions to the present reality of my extension, I am confronted with the undeniable evidence that He has work for me here. He has people that I need to know. He has hearts that need to be encouraged and loved. And I execute His instruction by first being close to Him. In that closeness I am most myself. In flesh I destroy relationships. With selfish ambition I ruin friendships, but with Christ centered posture and God seeking attitude I am able to love properly and encourage honestly.

Kisses from Korea.

Sky

K#20|

Where can my heart rest?

Breakable fragile as glass.

Shattered once again

shards scattered, pieces won’t fit.

-

Where can it be safe?

Delicate emotional masterpiece.

From the highest joy to the deepest low

For safety, where can this heart go?

-

Vulnerable, one step out

costs many sleepless nights with doubt.

Morning wakes I rebuild walls

only to wait until (again) they fall.

-

I think, then feel, then hope, then speak, then act, then fall, then rebuild my walls.

I cannot endure another demolition.

Dear heart, please stop dreaming.

-

Paper heart

scuffs and marks.

creases from folds

crumpled old

unlovable

weak  fragile.

paper heart .

Heart, breath.

Cupped in His palms.

Safe and warm

Just be.

To put it lightly, under some intense emotional stress (if you couldn’t tell).

Internalizing emotions and thoughts for that past few weeks. Over analyzing and agonizing over things that I have NO control over. How human can you be?

One day, life will be a little easier. I always make it harder on myself by focusing on  moi (me).

It’s hard to ignore pulsing emotions.

For me anyway.

Its difficult for me to function or act separate from how I feel.  Which makes life difficult because I am never steady or peaceful. Up or down. Never in the middle.

It is exhausting.

Still seeking for the hidden “good” in my extreme personality… God doesn’t make mistakes. I need new eyes to see the good in these mountain vs. valley swings I have so constantly.

He knows my heart completely. He understands it entirely. Volatility and all.

You Have Me” Gungor

Thank you Father.

When I feel, help me remember that You see my heart entirely. And You understand it. You need it surrendered to you. Detached form the world and completely immersed in Truth.

Help me remember to pray. To ask for help during the day. Help me to remember to depend on You.

Help me remember that You have me.

In your hands is where I am. I can rest there, knowing that you see all and have my best interest at Your heart. Your best may look different form my best, but whatever sort of trial or circumstance You’re allowing me to endure, I know it is out of love for me that you’re guiding me through this refining time.

So thank You for loving me enough to challenge my heart. Threadbare, holes and tares, test it, mend it, refill so that Your love and heart will spill out and infect the world around me.

Amen.

Carry My Soul” Phil Wickham

Please Be My Strength” Gungor

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