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K#21| Beautiful Scars

Beautiful Scars

On a tree / arms west to east / the brittle earth drinks Your sweet blood

Final breath resounds / veil falls down / Father now You’re here with us

Oh what a beautiful heart  / oh what beautiful scars

-

Weight of sin / crushed your bones / yet You caused grace to fall

When I defy / I try and hide / but I can’t escape you’re quite love

Oh what a beautiful heart / oh what beautiful scars

You hold this heart / with Hands that I scared

Bleed though I may / You’ve lived the cruelest pain

Your love for me

Takes my breath away

Rebellious heart / kept us apart / It was right for me to be condemned

All for love / You came down to us / to give your life for life of men

oh what a beautiful heart / oh what beautiful scars

—-

The photo I used here was taken last autumn during one of my sorta-routine sunday afternoon drives with Mom. We were wandering through the mountains. Dad was in the X-terra behind us (maybe I was riding with him?). We were looking for property.

The most beautiful thing about this Korea  trip  I would  say most definitely has been the people I’ve met here.

Treasure Friendships that I pray will last a lifetime.

Some may, others may not. C’est la vie.

In the mean time, before farewells are formally due, I will enjoy this time with gratitude swelled heart. God has opened doors here for me to serve, encourage and love the people He loves. I believe He’ll continue to use me in that manner wherever I go.

It anguishes me to think of the nearing goodbye, but I find slight solidarity in the center of stormy emotions when I remember that He opened these doors in the first place (who would have thought I’d meet and do and be and serve in Korea like I am!) and will do so again when He leads me to my next destination. This is not the end–only the beginning.

Family, I keep saying it because it is true: I don’t miss you at all! My absence has enriched my love for you, but not insisted any pain or home sickness. I feel more secure here than I ever have before it my life! That to say this: life is changing. Anything could happen and i am now very open to be/live/do whatever and where He will lead me.

Don’t know what my life will look like, and i am somehow ok with that.

Beautiful, huh? I, Skylar, am not anxious about what my future will look like.

God knows best, and I’ve prayed that He would show me that. That He would let me see that I can trust him.

Still a working progress, but when I remember how I was feeling during the start of my trip (wanting to come home, doubting, knowing that I made a mistake by being here)  and comparing those emotions to the present reality of my extension, I am confronted with the undeniable evidence that He has work for me here. He has people that I need to know. He has hearts that need to be encouraged and loved. And I execute His instruction by first being close to Him. In that closeness I am most myself. In flesh I destroy relationships. With selfish ambition I ruin friendships, but with Christ centered posture and God seeking attitude I am able to love properly and encourage honestly.

Kisses from Korea.

Sky

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K#20|

Where can my heart rest?

Breakable fragile as glass.

Shattered once again

shards scattered, pieces won’t fit.

-

Where can it be safe?

Delicate emotional masterpiece.

From the highest joy to the deepest low

For safety, where can this heart go?

-

Vulnerable, one step out

costs many sleepless nights with doubt.

Morning wakes I rebuild walls

only to wait until (again) they fall.

-

I think, then feel, then hope, then speak, then act, then fall, then rebuild my walls.

I cannot endure another demolition.

Dear heart, please stop dreaming.

-

Paper heart

scuffs and marks.

creases from folds

crumpled old

unlovable

weak  fragile.

paper heart .

Heart, breath.

Cupped in His palms.

Safe and warm

Just be.

To put it lightly, under some intense emotional stress (if you couldn’t tell).

Internalizing emotions and thoughts for that past few weeks. Over analyzing and agonizing over things that I have NO control over. How human can you be?

One day, life will be a little easier. I always make it harder on myself by focusing on  moi (me).

It’s hard to ignore pulsing emotions.

For me anyway.

Its difficult for me to function or act separate from how I feel.  Which makes life difficult because I am never steady or peaceful. Up or down. Never in the middle.

It is exhausting.

Still seeking for the hidden “good” in my extreme personality… God doesn’t make mistakes. I need new eyes to see the good in these mountain vs. valley swings I have so constantly.

He knows my heart completely. He understands it entirely. Volatility and all.

You Have Me” Gungor

Thank you Father.

When I feel, help me remember that You see my heart entirely. And You understand it. You need it surrendered to you. Detached form the world and completely immersed in Truth.

Help me remember to pray. To ask for help during the day. Help me to remember to depend on You.

Help me remember that You have me.

In your hands is where I am. I can rest there, knowing that you see all and have my best interest at Your heart. Your best may look different form my best, but whatever sort of trial or circumstance You’re allowing me to endure, I know it is out of love for me that you’re guiding me through this refining time.

So thank You for loving me enough to challenge my heart. Threadbare, holes and tares, test it, mend it, refill so that Your love and heart will spill out and infect the world around me.

Amen.

Carry My Soul” Phil Wickham

Please Be My Strength” Gungor

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K#19|Untitled Song

Veres1:The Beat of my heart is a beautiful song

That You orchestrated before I was born

You thought of my eyes and the shape of my smile

How beautifully they would let Your love shine

Chorus: After all

That is why I’m alive

To contrast a world so dark

and point all of the broken hearts

to You

and Your loving arms

Verse2: Exhale gratitude Inhale joy

Because I know nothing is in my control

You’ve loosened my grip on my finite plans

Lord help me rest in Your capable hands

Chorus 

Bridge:Search me and know my heart

Thank You for healing all of the broken parts

Threadbare and torn

You mend and refill

With Your love (for me)

Runneth over

It spills

Verse3: Sun smiles at the moon he smiles back

a perfect example of how I want to live

Search me and know me

Imperfect and warn

Help me reflect your beautiful heart

Chorus

Maybe I can recruit some people to help me record it.

:)))

-Sky

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K#18 part 2 | Stop Motion–an ancient relic from my youth.

I created this video when I was 17.

I never did rerecord it as I promised to in the description.

I also mis-titled the theme song.

The correct title of the song is “Lovers in Japan”, not “Lovers of Japan”.

Best verse:

“Tonight maybe we’re gonna run
Dreaming of the Osaka sun
Oh, oh
Dreaming of when the morning comes”

154. pools of rain cupped in red leaves

157. trash and treasure

165. teary eyes

166. eyelids stinging, heart relaxing (some)

169.little boys with courageous hearts; mini warriors.

174.energy and spirit–untamed vigor.

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K#18| Brain Dump.

Life is a beautiful gift.

Don’t clutter it with words.

Pack one bag.

Make a good playlist.

Soul food songs.

Open your eyes.

Close your mouth.

Listen.

Soak it all in.

Don’t let your heart complicate things.

Not much can stop it from feeling,

and you shouldn’t aim to suffocate your emotions

(unless they are wrong, or sinful).

Feel.

Are you alive to merely survive?

Null existence wafting from one day to the next?

Doesn’t your whole being surge with energy at the thought of possibilities?

Opportunities?

Anything could happen!

Don’t you want the fullest?

Then go!

What is stopping you? Fear? Lame excuse. Why give fear the time of day? Devours all. Glutton, I say starve him. Deprive the enemy of your anxiety.

Turn it into praise.

Gratitude.

Thank You Father in Heaven for my feeble heart, delicate, cupped gently in your hands.

Weapon of praise is powerful.

Sharp tongues.

Guitar strings humming in my hears still.

Piano keys echo in my head.

Voices hollow in an empty church.

Sanctuary vacant.

Shoes shoved beside the piano, keeping time with my foot.

Off beat.

Oh well.

Bodies will cram in cold seats.

Side by side, but never touching.

Stand and sorta sway, but too afraid to exude any emotion.

Why?

These are Your people–why are we cold?

Joy where are thou?

If not in music, a praise song, an anthem of gratitude, then where?

Fall crept in, caught me by surprise.

Lovely surprise.

I’ve eaten way too many pretzels. 

Sorry Bess.

I wish I had gotten a picture of the clock on the 11th at 12:13pm. It would have been 10/11th 12:13pm ’14.

Confetti litters the sidewalks and streets outside. Brown, reds, gold crushed with pinecones and acorns.

Absolutely littered.

I had another urgency to kidnap a child today.

This tie time it was a little girl (3 maybe) bundled in her stroller. Beneath the weight of her many cozy layers, her little black pony tail (center stage) some how managed to protrude from her pink hood.

Chapped skin, so cuddly.

I really wanted to steal her.

Come to think of it, I had encountered a kindergarden class on a nature walk earlier.

Oh man.

Too much adorable for one person to try and carry on her own.

Someone help!

My eyes are burning.

Too late for computering.

I was just telling Bess how I’ve been convicted about my habits.

Up too late, too much computer, too many pretzels.

idle girl.

Open your eyes.

Close your mouth.

Watch the world.

Without a lens.

Wide open

wide open

wide open

Wide open

wide open

wide open.

open

open

open.

Shut.

143. Asian toddlers round and cheeky

148. Pretzels

149. Evvie’s apple pie heart

151.hollow voice

152. piano echo

153. People. All the peoples.

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K#17| Scribbles and Scratches

Napkins

Paper towels,

back of church bulletin

coffee coozie

hands

arms

magazine subscription flyers

envelopes

All of these objects have served as song writing tablets for me at one time or another over the 5 or 6 years that I’ve been at this song-writing-music-making thing.

I seldom use an actual sheet of paper.

When inspiration comes you have to capture it the best you can with what you have, and I’m usually never prepared.

:P

Thus, on napkins and bookmarks and business cards I write. Cram words so tiny. Ink bleeds all of the letters together. Usually the songs are not legible, but something about physically writing them cements them to the heart.

The good ones anyway.

And usually about 90% of these squabbles I tread to call songs are garbage.

That isn’t a jab at my talent or implication that I lack creativity. It just takes a good 20 or 30 crap chicken scratches before a semi-worth-while song is birthed.

Then several “ok” ones before a decent one come to pass.

Then, of course, an excellent song will only come when it feels like it.

You cannot manufacture a good song. I’ve tried. In fact often I go back and re read from my “crap” song pile and find something worth while.

Song writing boils down to the simplest thing: Keep the ink flowing. Don’t stop. Don’t over think. Just keep the words coming, vocabulary growing, writing everything, and writing nothing at all.

Be absolutely you.

Napkins absorbs the messy emotions that spill from the heart better.

I like it that way.

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This photo was taken last fall in north Georgia. This kinda sums up how I feel right now. Transitioning, breaking a little. “Consider it pure joy…” 

This is an excerpt from a song a friend and I are writing together.

It is untitled at this time, but the melody has a lot of momentum. I enjoyed writing and look forward to fine tuning it tomorrow.

Chorus:

Shadows move flood the streets

darkness misguides my feet

Lights flicker and die away

Sparkling city nights blinking

To the song the city sings

of hollow steps and heartbeats

echo through the city streets

V3:

Dark descending all around

I really must hurry now

Onwards to home I run

Till I hear a nasty thud

 

Knees scuffed palms red

I must be a child again

Fading now from lights

Carefully ​I count my strides

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Oh yeah, Rivvy says “Stay fat and happy!”

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K#16| Yeah, I don’t know either.

Maybe reasons are over rated.

‘Just because’ kinda sums up how I’ve been feeling lately.

Tired, I guess.

Obsessive thoughts going around with no hope of subsiding. Cyclones whirl up dust of dead thoughts, the un-dealt with wreckage from days and weeks and months ago that lay scattered in its wake. Graveyard–memories–that hurt or  happy, unsettled left opened as if picking them up and thinking about them again repeatedly will cure the unanswerable(s).

Always grasping for the unreachable. Control. Which is an illusion, by the way. Aiming for control, but what kind of game is that anyway? What is the target? What motivates my chase?

Fear?

Or something like that.

Yeah, I don’t know either.

Just feeling worn out mentally.

I cannot control how people think of me, what they think or how they respond to me.

The real lament is this: Why on earth would I want to control perceptions of others? What kind of chaos would ensue.

Chaos!

Only God can discern the human heart. That isn’t my job. Praying for them is. Staying on the path of obedience, that is doing the things we already know to do, our steps become clear by His determination of “good timing”. 

Not mine.

When I type these truths out, and reread them from the screen, I can sense my spirit start to settle…dare I say relax.

If I trust someone, why would I not take him/her at their word (proverbs 3. I recommend the whole chapter, but I’ll tag this post with an excerpt at the end).

I’ll think of a good illustration of what I’m trying to say.

Life get messy and emotions have a tendency to blur the lines of reason. Or erase them completely. Thats when I fall. I lose sight of truth and rely on my fickle, weak, wounded, unstable heart for solace. (Jer. 17:9)

Until I get the dots connected, I want to hover over this one solid truth–I want to remember this:

For now, just be a doer. You may not know the nitty gritty daily details of your life, but God is very clear about the broader tasks and instructions. We know the will of God for our lives. Thats not the question you should be haunted with. What should haunt you is this: Do I trust and love Him enough to obey Him? To take him at his word? Being made into His likeness by way of physical obedience or am I decaying spiritually into the likeness of death at the response of disobedience?

Peace follows obedience. Every. Single. Time. That is one thing that I  do know for sure.

I am disobedient predominately in the area of trust.. if you think of me this week (Mom, Jenny, Jayne, Dad.. common observers) pray for strength in that area. He has given me a few opportunities to exercise my trust muscles.  But I keep blowing it, making a wreck of my heart…anxious, fearful, the normal Skylar sort of plagues. :P

The funny thing about the heart is that no amount scolding from my lips with cause submission of the heart to my mind. It just keeps bleeding. Pulsing, beating, feeling, wanting, on and on with no ears to reason.

Yeah, maybe something like that.

I don’t know either.

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Chicken scratch. Inky thoughts.

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Peace sign photo bomb…Hannah.

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Sunday afternooning.

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Weeds are always prettier than flowers.

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Daisy chain kind of day.

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Brush strokes.

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Spilled paint.

It isn’t apathy, I promise. I am not lazy.

Hands on my watch will not stop counting. “tick tick tick tick tick tick” all through the day and all through the night,

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just a subtle reminder: Sky, you do not have any control.

“The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of sixty minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is.” C.S. Lewis

Proverbs 3:1-12 

(Do yourself a favor a read the whole chapter)

1My son, do not forget my [a]teaching,
But let your heart keep my commandments;
For length of days and years of life
And peace they will add to you.
Do not let kindness and truth leave you;
Bind them around your neck,
Write them on the tablet of your heart.
So you will find favor and good [b]repute
In the sight of God and man.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
And do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He will make your paths straight.
Do not be wise in your own eyes;
Fear the Lord and turn away from evil.
It will be healing to your [c]body
And refreshment to your bones.
Honor the Lord from your wealth
And from the first of all your produce;
10 So your barns will be filled with plenty
And your vats will overflow with new wine.
11 My son, do not reject the [d]discipline of the Lord
Or loathe His reproof,
12 For whom the Lord loves He reproves,
Even as a father corrects the son in whom he delights.

Isaiah 48:17-18

Thus says the Lord,
    your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel:
“I am the Lord your God,
    who teaches you to profit,
    who leads you in the way you should go.
 Oh that you had paid attention to my commandments!
    Then your peace would have been like a river,
    and your righteousness like the waves of the sea;

117. Choice to trust. Practice to trust. Testing that produces perseverance.

135. empty sunday afternoons filled with coffee and  conversations

136. weeds. Always prettier than flowers

140. Lack of control. Takes the pressure off (at least in theory)

142. appetite for righteousness– the promise that I will be filled (Matthew 5:6)

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